apoca-clipse 2024

 That's not trademarked, but it should be.  That seems like a lot of work though.  Just give me credit for coming up with it if you steal it, mmkay?

It's an eclipse. Why are we losing our minds and creating hundreds of random conspiracy theories surrounding it? Sure, it's cool.  Sure, I'm glad I get to go outside and see it. Sure, it should be celebrated.  But come on.  These are just a few of the "theories" I've heard that revolve around the eclipse. As usual, buckle up, buttercup. 🍿

• It's not an eclipse at all.  Someone (likely the government) has faked the science and convinced us all this event is going to happen.  Something nefarious will happen instead, according to this one. Some say nuclear weapons will be launched and a global war will begin. Others say the eclipse is the weapon (see bullet point 4). Yet others say it will be some sort of government-controlled blackout ushering in a Hunger Games-style era, from what I can tell. 
• The aliens are either coming or returning (I'm not totally clear on whether they're coming back or coming for the first time) and the eclipse is the herald of their arrival. The eclipse could be the mothership getting closer and closer. It's not July 4th though, so I'm a tad disappointed about the timing. Can I speak to the calendar manager?
• It's a sign of the Biblical apocalypse of Christianity.  Depending on who you ask, it's either:
• the beginning of 40 days of absolute shit, followed by the departure of Christians to heaven, leaving behind those who are not worthy, OR
• the whole left behind scenario happens during the eclipse.  In my head, I'm imagining people just floating off all day long.  What if you were the last one?!?!?!
• The eclipse is actually some sort of unknown ship, comet, satellite, weapon, etc. - again, it depends on who you ask.  The basic premise for this theory is that some mostly unknown object is hurtling towards Earth and the only thing science can figure out is when it's going to hit. Enter April 8th. To me, this one seems a bit plagiarized (ahem, Armageddon, anyone?) but it does seem like people have a lot more details in the movies than real life.  I don't think Bruce Willis is healthy enough to save the world right now. Should we be more worried about this one?  It seems those who subscribe to this theory possibly believe the world is just going to blow up or end somehow when said unknown object collides.  Apparently, the predicted total eclipse times are actually collision ETAs for those areas. The path of totality is the path of destruction the object will take once it collides with Earth. Sounds like a total devastation, extinction-level event either way. Cool, right? 🌎
• Side note: Shout out to Bruce - you're a phenomenal actor, sir.  Thank you for all the moments you've spent on a screen in front of me.  You're the true MVP. Yippee ky yay, motherfucker! 💓

They're all so convoluted and just wildly random that it's hard to keep track, but this is what I've gathered so far.  I have my glasses, my eclipse shirt, and not much else.  With so many conflicting theories, it's been hard to know how to prepare.  I'll let Jon Bon Jovi sing me out. 🎵𝅘𝅥𝅮 Whoaaaa we're almost there...whooooooooaaaaaaa livin' on a prayer 🎵𝅘𝅥𝅯 (I'm not much of a praying person myself, but good vibes to the universe doesn't really have the same ring to it.)